...when something you've been thinking about shows up in a book? Almost verbatim for your thoughts?
I finished a book today called "God Hates Us All." At the very end of the novel, Daphne, says the following:
"You know why love stories have happy endings? Because they end too early. They always end right at the kiss. You never have to see all the bullshit that comes later. You know, life."
I don't think I've ever heard it said any plainer. And that's why I like reading f'ed up books about people and their lives. Because even though they're fiction, they always hold a disturbing amount of truth.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Check it out.
Off the Bandwagon.
Good week so far- registered for classes, and RenFest this weekend. We'll see what happens ;D
Good week so far- registered for classes, and RenFest this weekend. We'll see what happens ;D
Monday, October 19, 2009
moving onward.
So I had kind of a surreal weekend after a particularly horrible week.
It was pointed out to me that lately I've been letting everything get me down, and really just getting myself into a horrible funk. And I knew it, I just didn't know what to do about it. The reality slap helped, first off and then this weekend finished the job.
I got off campus, went home, had some adventures, made some spontaneous choices, and all of it ended with me realizing:
What's the point in living life if we're too caught up in the bad things, or how things could be better, and we don't see the good things that are happening? We should enjoy the fun things, the silly things, the epically random things, while we can.
I can't control everything. As much as I'd like to. And, even if I could, who says that what I choose for the situation would be right? I'm not deluded anymore. There are no perfect fairytale endings.
But you can have some fun beginnings and middles, so enjoy them while they last, and look forward to every new experience.
It was pointed out to me that lately I've been letting everything get me down, and really just getting myself into a horrible funk. And I knew it, I just didn't know what to do about it. The reality slap helped, first off and then this weekend finished the job.
I got off campus, went home, had some adventures, made some spontaneous choices, and all of it ended with me realizing:
What's the point in living life if we're too caught up in the bad things, or how things could be better, and we don't see the good things that are happening? We should enjoy the fun things, the silly things, the epically random things, while we can.
I can't control everything. As much as I'd like to. And, even if I could, who says that what I choose for the situation would be right? I'm not deluded anymore. There are no perfect fairytale endings.
But you can have some fun beginnings and middles, so enjoy them while they last, and look forward to every new experience.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Sandman.
Standing on the ledge of consciousness
in the space between the dreams,
I saw the figure of a man
whose eyes were like the beams
of headlights shining in the rain.
He smiled at me, a melancholy grin,
as though he knew my thoughts and dreams
and how they wore me thin.
“What do you want?”
was my plaintive cry
but still he would not speak.
“Can I change nothing that I’ve done?”
He replied, “Regret will make you weak.”
Tears slipped then from my eyes, turning to diamonds
as they fell, “It’s just so hard to keep up the lie.”
He sighed and softly caressed my cheek,
“For those we love we must sometimes die.
Not everything is simple,
as you humans would believe.
Sometimes your dreams must take a hit-
it’s worth it, for some, to grieve.”
He raised my chin and looked at me,
used his sleeve to dry my tears.
“Don’t fret, little dreamer, the pain accompanies a gift-
to love someone with all your heart as I’ve loved you for years.”
He bent to kiss me upon the head;
I blinked once, and was alone,
with just his words to comfort me-
and the memory of how his eyes shone.
I awoke in early morning,
and somehow I just knew:
The bad times I’d endure
could never taint my love for you.
I guess you could say, "This is your brain on Gaiman." Too much thinking, too much Neil Gaiman, and not enough sleep before Bio class. :P
in the space between the dreams,
I saw the figure of a man
whose eyes were like the beams
of headlights shining in the rain.
He smiled at me, a melancholy grin,
as though he knew my thoughts and dreams
and how they wore me thin.
“What do you want?”
was my plaintive cry
but still he would not speak.
“Can I change nothing that I’ve done?”
He replied, “Regret will make you weak.”
Tears slipped then from my eyes, turning to diamonds
as they fell, “It’s just so hard to keep up the lie.”
He sighed and softly caressed my cheek,
“For those we love we must sometimes die.
Not everything is simple,
as you humans would believe.
Sometimes your dreams must take a hit-
it’s worth it, for some, to grieve.”
He raised my chin and looked at me,
used his sleeve to dry my tears.
“Don’t fret, little dreamer, the pain accompanies a gift-
to love someone with all your heart as I’ve loved you for years.”
He bent to kiss me upon the head;
I blinked once, and was alone,
with just his words to comfort me-
and the memory of how his eyes shone.
I awoke in early morning,
and somehow I just knew:
The bad times I’d endure
could never taint my love for you.
I guess you could say, "This is your brain on Gaiman." Too much thinking, too much Neil Gaiman, and not enough sleep before Bio class. :P
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Pay it Forward.
Today I went out with a couple of friends, and my car was towed. We were downtown, with no way of getting anywhere, and no money.
I was freaking out when a man walked up to the three of us and asked what happened. My friend Josh told him my car was towed, and he asked me how much it cost to retrieve it. I told him. He asked Josh to come with him, and said he'd be back in a minute.
I had meanwhile progressed to the crying stage of shock when you come back to the parking lot and your car is gone, and was trying not to hyperventilate while Lin tried to calm me down.
Josh came back with the man, who handed me a wad of twenties.
"Get your car back, it'll be okay," he said. "My name is Mitch Sweeney- you guys have a good night."
And then he walked off.
I managed to choke out a "Thank you so much" as he was leaving. I counted the twenties. He'd given me $200. I looked up at Josh. "Why did he give me this?"
"I don't know. He wanted to help you. He just walked up to the ATM and withdrew $200," Josh said. "Whatever that guy does for a living- I want to do it."
We called a friend of mine to pick us up and take us to the towing lot. I got my car back.
I won't ever see Mitch Sweeney again, and he never even asked my name. I have no way of paying him back except to someday find a stranger I can do a lifesaving favor for. But his random act of kindness will not be forgotten.
Faith in humanity? Yeah. I've got some.
I was freaking out when a man walked up to the three of us and asked what happened. My friend Josh told him my car was towed, and he asked me how much it cost to retrieve it. I told him. He asked Josh to come with him, and said he'd be back in a minute.
I had meanwhile progressed to the crying stage of shock when you come back to the parking lot and your car is gone, and was trying not to hyperventilate while Lin tried to calm me down.
Josh came back with the man, who handed me a wad of twenties.
"Get your car back, it'll be okay," he said. "My name is Mitch Sweeney- you guys have a good night."
And then he walked off.
I managed to choke out a "Thank you so much" as he was leaving. I counted the twenties. He'd given me $200. I looked up at Josh. "Why did he give me this?"
"I don't know. He wanted to help you. He just walked up to the ATM and withdrew $200," Josh said. "Whatever that guy does for a living- I want to do it."
We called a friend of mine to pick us up and take us to the towing lot. I got my car back.
I won't ever see Mitch Sweeney again, and he never even asked my name. I have no way of paying him back except to someday find a stranger I can do a lifesaving favor for. But his random act of kindness will not be forgotten.
Faith in humanity? Yeah. I've got some.
Friday, October 9, 2009
motherfucker.
I don't know if I can do this.
I have to do this.
I don't know how I got saddled with the responsibility of being stronger than about 5 other people, but here I am.
Holding up the world I dream of- from the outside.
You need me to be there, and I will. Because I don't know how to do anything else. Leaving you alone would hurt me more than the pain it causes me to be your best friend.
If the forecast calls for change, you let me know. I can fake a smile through the snow.
I have to do this.
I don't know how I got saddled with the responsibility of being stronger than about 5 other people, but here I am.
Holding up the world I dream of- from the outside.
You need me to be there, and I will. Because I don't know how to do anything else. Leaving you alone would hurt me more than the pain it causes me to be your best friend.
If the forecast calls for change, you let me know. I can fake a smile through the snow.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
i <3 my friends.
Andrew: I also love sour blow pops.
Amber: LOL YOU WOULD
Andrew: you're being perverted, aren't you?
Amber:..indeed. quite.
"honey.....ya cock is greeeen....."
Andrew: CAN I SMELL YOUR DIIICK!
Amber: lolol
talk about your sour apples
Andrew: o my god.
you just went there.
Amber: we have gone....
too far.
........
......nah.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Jennifer's Body.
Now there's a movie that knows exactly what it is, and doesn't hold back.
Famous last words: "My tit."
And now I'm off to bed, where hopefully I won't have nightmares about Megan Fox's scary-ass face. O.o
Famous last words: "My tit."
And now I'm off to bed, where hopefully I won't have nightmares about Megan Fox's scary-ass face. O.o
Saturday, September 19, 2009
headaches, redux.
Stupid headaches. I'm having sophomore year flashbacks. Gotta find me a good doctor, and some good pain meds. Rawr.
Been writing a TON for HTV, just finished up an article about the new Religious Studies course on HARRY POTTER. Yeah I wanna take that. :D
Been writing a TON for HTV, just finished up an article about the new Religious Studies course on HARRY POTTER. Yeah I wanna take that. :D
Monday, September 7, 2009
labor day weekend.
The Weekend ended up being pretty damn interesting. And yes I capitalized that on purpose.
Emily came to visit and stayed with me, which was fun and awesome. Josh also came, which was more interesting, since I seem to have many mind hangups about a lot of people these days, and I spent most of my time wondering how he could be so nice to me and still make me want to punch him in the face.
Oh right- because I have serious mental issues and always have to find a scapegoat for my problems. That clears that right up.
We all watched a lot of Buffy and drove around a lot and I spent too much money again. But I HAD to have that vest.
We spent half of today trying to get Josh's car to work so he could get back to K-Ville. That was certainly interesting. Now the two of them are saying their goodbyes and I'm doing homework hoping that my continual use of charm will eventually persuade a certain girl to change her mind and decide that some things are worth a little work after all.
All I can do is soldier forth.
Emily came to visit and stayed with me, which was fun and awesome. Josh also came, which was more interesting, since I seem to have many mind hangups about a lot of people these days, and I spent most of my time wondering how he could be so nice to me and still make me want to punch him in the face.
Oh right- because I have serious mental issues and always have to find a scapegoat for my problems. That clears that right up.
We all watched a lot of Buffy and drove around a lot and I spent too much money again. But I HAD to have that vest.
We spent half of today trying to get Josh's car to work so he could get back to K-Ville. That was certainly interesting. Now the two of them are saying their goodbyes and I'm doing homework hoping that my continual use of charm will eventually persuade a certain girl to change her mind and decide that some things are worth a little work after all.
All I can do is soldier forth.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
One step at a time.
One foot then the other.
My mindset right now is to try not to think too far into the future with regard to anything except schoolwork.
Part of me still thinks that eventually things could work out. There are signs, and sometimes timing is everything.
Not in nearly as much of a rut as yesterday, thankfully.
3 classes tomorrow and an article I have to finish. Probably some errand running with the object of my confusion. Like I said, I'm pretty much getting used to it. Pretty sure I can handle it. Looking forward to next year as a reprieve from this one.
I've had "The Way We Get By" by Spoon stuck in my head ALL DAY. Weird.
My mindset right now is to try not to think too far into the future with regard to anything except schoolwork.
Part of me still thinks that eventually things could work out. There are signs, and sometimes timing is everything.
Not in nearly as much of a rut as yesterday, thankfully.
3 classes tomorrow and an article I have to finish. Probably some errand running with the object of my confusion. Like I said, I'm pretty much getting used to it. Pretty sure I can handle it. Looking forward to next year as a reprieve from this one.
I've had "The Way We Get By" by Spoon stuck in my head ALL DAY. Weird.
Monday, August 31, 2009
At the bottom of everything.
Pretty much where I am right now.
Thought it was last semester. Nope. I was still waiting on the last shoe to drop I guess.
Now I'm not sure when I'll hear from her again. If she needs me to be a friend I am more than willing to do just that, the question is will she let me.
She started all of this and now she regrets it. Well, I do too, then, for ever getting my hopes up. I feel pretty sure I'm gonna feel like shit for the rest of my life, or at least a long ass fucking time.
I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like shit. I have class in an hour. And all I want is for her to respond and tell me that we can still be friends.
I'm going to spend the next hour trying to breathe, and hoping that I can get by without the reading since my brain is pretty much shot.
And M, if you're reading this, which you may or may not be, are you happy now? I get to know what it's like. Should be some kind of poetic justice in there for you. Especially since I skipped any part of it that would have been good and went straight to the bitter end.
Thought it was last semester. Nope. I was still waiting on the last shoe to drop I guess.
Now I'm not sure when I'll hear from her again. If she needs me to be a friend I am more than willing to do just that, the question is will she let me.
She started all of this and now she regrets it. Well, I do too, then, for ever getting my hopes up. I feel pretty sure I'm gonna feel like shit for the rest of my life, or at least a long ass fucking time.
I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like shit. I have class in an hour. And all I want is for her to respond and tell me that we can still be friends.
I'm going to spend the next hour trying to breathe, and hoping that I can get by without the reading since my brain is pretty much shot.
And M, if you're reading this, which you may or may not be, are you happy now? I get to know what it's like. Should be some kind of poetic justice in there for you. Especially since I skipped any part of it that would have been good and went straight to the bitter end.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
You may always remember today...
as the day that Amber did not chicken out.
As for tomorrow, who knows what will happen, but I did my best.
:)
As for tomorrow, who knows what will happen, but I did my best.
:)
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
countdown commenced.
packing, packing, and more packing.
Pretty much my life right now.
Well that and figuring out how I'm going to fit all of my stuff and furniture for half an apartment (couch included) into three vehicles.
It's mildly entertaining.
Also I've watched like 2 full seasons of Gilmore Girls in the past 5 or so days. And you thought I talked fast *before*.
I love that show. Especially when I get to stare at these guys.
Oh yeah.
Pretty much my life right now.
Well that and figuring out how I'm going to fit all of my stuff and furniture for half an apartment (couch included) into three vehicles.
It's mildly entertaining.
Also I've watched like 2 full seasons of Gilmore Girls in the past 5 or so days. And you thought I talked fast *before*.
I love that show. Especially when I get to stare at these guys.
Oh yeah.
Friday, August 14, 2009
the last straw.
That was it. From here on out, the gloves are off, and if he gives me a reason, any reason at all, I'm fucking coming after him.
He's being childish, immature, and just fucking stupid about this whole thing. I'm still trying to figure out how any of this is my fault especially since I was clear about my intentions from the beginning.
I'm hoping this blows over like it did in the past but I if he thinks I'm ever going to trust him again like I used to, he's delusional.
I've got one week until I get to go back to what I consider home. And that just brings a whole bunch of other stuff I have to worry about. I'm worried about what's going to happen with L. I can have my hopes up all I want and be optimistic but until it actually gets down to it I have nothing to go on.
I don't pray a lot anymore but dear God, just get me through this week. Please. I hate the way this town makes me feel.
He's being childish, immature, and just fucking stupid about this whole thing. I'm still trying to figure out how any of this is my fault especially since I was clear about my intentions from the beginning.
I'm hoping this blows over like it did in the past but I if he thinks I'm ever going to trust him again like I used to, he's delusional.
I've got one week until I get to go back to what I consider home. And that just brings a whole bunch of other stuff I have to worry about. I'm worried about what's going to happen with L. I can have my hopes up all I want and be optimistic but until it actually gets down to it I have nothing to go on.
I don't pray a lot anymore but dear God, just get me through this week. Please. I hate the way this town makes me feel.
Friday, August 7, 2009
14 Days.
14 days until I move back to Austin, and back to school, and back to where I actually want to be. It seems like this summer has stretch on forever, and now I'm finally down to the last 2 weeks. I almost don't know what to do with myself.
I definitely don't know what to expect when I return. I know what I'm hoping for, and what I'd like, but only time will be able to tell me what's going to happen.
Regardless of that, I feel like this is going to be a good year. I can't tell you exactly why but I have this obnoxious overwhelming optimistic feeling about it. I'm not exactly used to those feelings but I can't seem to shake this one. I'll just have to wait and see.
And so we go.
I definitely don't know what to expect when I return. I know what I'm hoping for, and what I'd like, but only time will be able to tell me what's going to happen.
Regardless of that, I feel like this is going to be a good year. I can't tell you exactly why but I have this obnoxious overwhelming optimistic feeling about it. I'm not exactly used to those feelings but I can't seem to shake this one. I'll just have to wait and see.
And so we go.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
baby steps.
Feeling a bit better today. Woke up at 11 for no reason at all and couldn't get back to sleep so that was a bit annoying. But I hung out with Nick this afternoon and we saw Orphan. Just as good the second time around and he thought it was pretty great too.
Tomorrow I've got some things I have to do and hopefully I'll be able to go shopping with Chels and help her find a dress.
I need to start finding reasons to get out of the house since my parents are starting to think I'm depressed or something.
Newsflash, I'm not depressed, I'm just annoyed, and there's no reason for me to be awake so I might as well go to bed. If you wanted to have this intimate rapport with me you should have started trying a decade ago, and then maybe I wouldn't get so frustrated with you now. Also, ask questions about stuff that matter, not just minute things so you feel like you're doing your "duty" or whatever bullshit.
Alas, tomorrow is another day, for better or worse.
Tomorrow I've got some things I have to do and hopefully I'll be able to go shopping with Chels and help her find a dress.
I need to start finding reasons to get out of the house since my parents are starting to think I'm depressed or something.
Newsflash, I'm not depressed, I'm just annoyed, and there's no reason for me to be awake so I might as well go to bed. If you wanted to have this intimate rapport with me you should have started trying a decade ago, and then maybe I wouldn't get so frustrated with you now. Also, ask questions about stuff that matter, not just minute things so you feel like you're doing your "duty" or whatever bullshit.
Alas, tomorrow is another day, for better or worse.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
fuck this noise.
The other day I realized that I have no straight male friends. Which I guess is okay in the long run since I'm not interesting in dating a straight male. The issue from this realization is this.
I only had like 4 people I really hung out with in this town. One friend is now back in Austin until school starts, one is ALWAYS at work, one (the only straight male friend I had) is now not talking to me because it will "help him get over me."
YEAH RIGHT. It didn't work before, how is being an ass about everything going to help now? I mean seriously what is the point of deleting me from every account you have? It's childish and stupid. Whatever.
My fourth friend, whom I love to death, has been hanging out with said third friend for the past two days. While I sit around my house being driven mad by my family because I have no one else to hang out with.
It's not like he doesn't have any other friends he can hang out with. No, he has to take the one person in this entire fucking town that I actually like and can talk to right now.
You know, don't mind me while I'm going out of my mind and feeling like a piece of shit with nowhere to channel the energy to. You just keep slowly taking every little thing I could actually stand about this town with you.
Thank god I'm not coming back next summer. Fuck this place. Fuck these people and fuck this noise. I'm sick of it.
I only had like 4 people I really hung out with in this town. One friend is now back in Austin until school starts, one is ALWAYS at work, one (the only straight male friend I had) is now not talking to me because it will "help him get over me."
YEAH RIGHT. It didn't work before, how is being an ass about everything going to help now? I mean seriously what is the point of deleting me from every account you have? It's childish and stupid. Whatever.
My fourth friend, whom I love to death, has been hanging out with said third friend for the past two days. While I sit around my house being driven mad by my family because I have no one else to hang out with.
It's not like he doesn't have any other friends he can hang out with. No, he has to take the one person in this entire fucking town that I actually like and can talk to right now.
You know, don't mind me while I'm going out of my mind and feeling like a piece of shit with nowhere to channel the energy to. You just keep slowly taking every little thing I could actually stand about this town with you.
Thank god I'm not coming back next summer. Fuck this place. Fuck these people and fuck this noise. I'm sick of it.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
she's a man-eater...
Amber (9:18:02 PM) : please help me understand why i have "maneater" stuck in my head.
Rachel(9:18:11 PM) : bahaha idk
Rachel(9:18:21 PM) : brb, gonna nom some fajita meat
Amber(9:18:22 PM) : whoa-oh here she comes....
Amber(9:18:35 PM) : WATCH OUT BEEF, SHELL CHEW YOU UP
Rachel(9:18:49 PM) : BAHAHAHAAHAHAHA BRB DYING
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
mr. sandman?
You ever have one of those nights where you get a perfectly good amount of sleep, or at least more than normal (say, 8-11 hours), and you just have trouble waking up the next day?
I mean, you lie in bed, and seriously debate with yourself how long you can stay in bed that day.
Your dreams were odd and disjointed and filled with recurring themes, and there are parts of them that seem like they are unwilling to let you go.
Maybe that makes me sound crazy, but lately my sleeping patterns have been totally whack and it's starting to cause me problems. I feel tired and out of it all day and it's just getting frustrating.
And on top of it all, my air conditioner went out for the second time this summer. Perfect.
I mean, you lie in bed, and seriously debate with yourself how long you can stay in bed that day.
Your dreams were odd and disjointed and filled with recurring themes, and there are parts of them that seem like they are unwilling to let you go.
Maybe that makes me sound crazy, but lately my sleeping patterns have been totally whack and it's starting to cause me problems. I feel tired and out of it all day and it's just getting frustrating.
And on top of it all, my air conditioner went out for the second time this summer. Perfect.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
i'm trying not to think about tetanus.
Gouged my arm pretty good on a metal shelf at work. Bleeding and bandages ensued. It kind of itches.
Anyway I'm hoping I can run errands tomorrow- need to get some more stuff for the move. Only like 3 more weeks!!! :D
Got my new glasses today. They're pretty ballin'.
Jammin' out to The Fray.
In a cheerful-ish mood.
Toodles!
Anyway I'm hoping I can run errands tomorrow- need to get some more stuff for the move. Only like 3 more weeks!!! :D
Got my new glasses today. They're pretty ballin'.
Jammin' out to The Fray.
In a cheerful-ish mood.
Toodles!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
and they say teenagers play their music too loud!
Things on my mind right now:
1) How LOUD my father is blasting whatever weird, dischordant concert DVD he's playing right now. I swear to God people on the other side of the street think we're murdering cats over here.
2) How I have less than a month before I get to move back to the greatest city in TX (that would be Austin.)
3) How excited I am about #2.
4) Nagging paranoia about the hassles of moving in.
5) Nagging paranoia that my life is going to go down the tubes again like it did last semester.
6) Realization that the outcome of #5 rests in the hands of one person, and I don't think it's me.
7) How tired I am all the time right now.
8) How I really am pretty much exactly like my mother thinks I am, despite all my offended raging that she doesn't know what she's talking about.
9) How bad habits really are hard to break.
10) How fucking AMAZING the movie "Orphan" was last night. Seriously, I'm still reeling from that plot twist.
There's something wrong with Esther.
AND HOW. Seriously though, I consider myself pretty damn good at figuring out plot twists and I was completely blindsided by this one. Enjoy folks. Prepare to be disturbed and amazed.
1) How LOUD my father is blasting whatever weird, dischordant concert DVD he's playing right now. I swear to God people on the other side of the street think we're murdering cats over here.
2) How I have less than a month before I get to move back to the greatest city in TX (that would be Austin.)
3) How excited I am about #2.
4) Nagging paranoia about the hassles of moving in.
5) Nagging paranoia that my life is going to go down the tubes again like it did last semester.
6) Realization that the outcome of #5 rests in the hands of one person, and I don't think it's me.
7) How tired I am all the time right now.
8) How I really am pretty much exactly like my mother thinks I am, despite all my offended raging that she doesn't know what she's talking about.
9) How bad habits really are hard to break.
10) How fucking AMAZING the movie "Orphan" was last night. Seriously, I'm still reeling from that plot twist.
There's something wrong with Esther.
AND HOW. Seriously though, I consider myself pretty damn good at figuring out plot twists and I was completely blindsided by this one. Enjoy folks. Prepare to be disturbed and amazed.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
thought popcorn.
Since I've been trapped in Missouri with essentially nothing to do except shop (which, believe me, I've taken advantage of) I've been having many strange trains of thought that really have nothing to do with anything in particular.
1) It's quite odd to think about people living everyday lives in areas which you only visit for short periods of time. Like, you never think about people LIVING in like, Montana. Everyday. It's weird.
2) How different road layouts are in other states. There are so many highways here! And they all connect strangely. I think I'd go insane if I had to drive here.
3) How picky I really am about pillows. They have to be soft, but not so soft that they go flat, like feather pillows. Otherwise I wake up cranky with a crick in my neck.
4) How often I may come off bitchy without meaning to. I have a way I believe the world works and when people stop using things similar to earth-logic I really just don't know how to respond. I don't like it when people ask me to repeat myself. I don't like being asked the same question 6 times in one day. And when people don't understand what I'm talking about, the first time, I'm essentially done talking. I also walk really fast and cannot be expected to slow down.
There were more, I'm sure, that had to do with an extremely odd dream I had last night, but I've quite forgotten it now.
Time to go waste time. 24 hours until I'm on a plane home.
1) It's quite odd to think about people living everyday lives in areas which you only visit for short periods of time. Like, you never think about people LIVING in like, Montana. Everyday. It's weird.
2) How different road layouts are in other states. There are so many highways here! And they all connect strangely. I think I'd go insane if I had to drive here.
3) How picky I really am about pillows. They have to be soft, but not so soft that they go flat, like feather pillows. Otherwise I wake up cranky with a crick in my neck.
4) How often I may come off bitchy without meaning to. I have a way I believe the world works and when people stop using things similar to earth-logic I really just don't know how to respond. I don't like it when people ask me to repeat myself. I don't like being asked the same question 6 times in one day. And when people don't understand what I'm talking about, the first time, I'm essentially done talking. I also walk really fast and cannot be expected to slow down.
There were more, I'm sure, that had to do with an extremely odd dream I had last night, but I've quite forgotten it now.
Time to go waste time. 24 hours until I'm on a plane home.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I haven't geeked out this hard in years.
Seriously.
I mean, I'll admit that Harry Potter owned my life for the better part of this last decade. No shame whatsoever, I had me some good times. Granted, I will never share the details of those times with anyone other than the ones who shared them with me (it's a "you had to be there" thing), but still. Good memories.
Half Blood Prince comes out next Wednesday. YES. FINALLY. It's my favorite book, and if they screw it up, I will probably explode. *shrug*
I'm almost through rereading the book now, and I just keep remember how much I love it. In my opinion it's the best one of the lot.
And therefore I'm experiencing a freakout about this movie the likes of which I haven't experienced in years. It's. AWESOME.
And yeah, I'm one of those people who dresses up, and I'm bleaching my hair and going as Malfoy. Cuz I'm awesome like that, and it should be hilarious.
I mean, I'll admit that Harry Potter owned my life for the better part of this last decade. No shame whatsoever, I had me some good times. Granted, I will never share the details of those times with anyone other than the ones who shared them with me (it's a "you had to be there" thing), but still. Good memories.
Half Blood Prince comes out next Wednesday. YES. FINALLY. It's my favorite book, and if they screw it up, I will probably explode. *shrug*
I'm almost through rereading the book now, and I just keep remember how much I love it. In my opinion it's the best one of the lot.
And therefore I'm experiencing a freakout about this movie the likes of which I haven't experienced in years. It's. AWESOME.
And yeah, I'm one of those people who dresses up, and I'm bleaching my hair and going as Malfoy. Cuz I'm awesome like that, and it should be hilarious.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Dear Life,
Today I'm having problems with motivation.
No one is returning my text messages and so I'm stuck at the house by myself, all dressed up with nowhere to go.
Now, you say, why don't you just hop in your car and go do something by yourself? You are always telling me how much you enjoy alone time.
The answer to that is: I don't know. I just can't seem to get off my lazy ass and put on some shoes and get my sunglasses and put the dog up and go outside and start my car and wait for it to cool off and drive to wherever and
Do you see my point? Now, say, if someone contacted me and wanted to do something, I'd be off in a flash. I'd like to know why this is. It's not like I don't have anything to do.
Things I could do today:
1. Clean, and put away laundry. (not likely.)
2. Go hunt down things for my costume. (but that's more fun with a friend.)
3. Go shopping. (but I shouldn't spend money and that's more fun with someone too.)
Do you see my problem here? I seem to have a negative answer for everything. I hate being in moods like this. Any advice is appreciated.
Impatiently awaiting your reply,
Amber.
No one is returning my text messages and so I'm stuck at the house by myself, all dressed up with nowhere to go.
Now, you say, why don't you just hop in your car and go do something by yourself? You are always telling me how much you enjoy alone time.
The answer to that is: I don't know. I just can't seem to get off my lazy ass and put on some shoes and get my sunglasses and put the dog up and go outside and start my car and wait for it to cool off and drive to wherever and
Do you see my point? Now, say, if someone contacted me and wanted to do something, I'd be off in a flash. I'd like to know why this is. It's not like I don't have anything to do.
Things I could do today:
1. Clean, and put away laundry. (not likely.)
2. Go hunt down things for my costume. (but that's more fun with a friend.)
3. Go shopping. (but I shouldn't spend money and that's more fun with someone too.)
Do you see my problem here? I seem to have a negative answer for everything. I hate being in moods like this. Any advice is appreciated.
Impatiently awaiting your reply,
Amber.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
thanks for the memories.
Sometimes sex is just sex. Sometimes that's all it is when you don't even make it to sex. Sometimes a kiss is a joining of two people, two hearts, and sometimes it's just four lips crashing together. Sometimes a massage is a massage, sometimes it's a diversionary tactic. But when it comes down to it, you can't look too deep into anything. I'm annoyed when people go beyond the surface meaning. Sometimes you've just gotta have that one last go to make sure you're right.
and I am.
I don't count kissing him as a mistake. Yeah, it felt good while it was going, but all the time I couldn't help thinking it was wrong. A part of me wishes is wasn't, but that part of me is stuck in the past. I can't go there again. He's not the one I'm in love with.
not anymore.
And I guess that's just the way it has to be. I'm thinking this is going to have to turn into a no physical contact of any kind situation, at least until I figure out what went through his head. But definitely never again am I falling for "let me give you a neck massage." ha. right. We've been down this path, buddy, and no matter what kind of interesting things you can bring to the table, I'm not going to fall for it again.
If this reads like a rambling, venting outpour of nonsense, that's exactly what it is. I knew, I should have paid attention. I let my guard down. Not again.
and I am.
I don't count kissing him as a mistake. Yeah, it felt good while it was going, but all the time I couldn't help thinking it was wrong. A part of me wishes is wasn't, but that part of me is stuck in the past. I can't go there again. He's not the one I'm in love with.
not anymore.
And I guess that's just the way it has to be. I'm thinking this is going to have to turn into a no physical contact of any kind situation, at least until I figure out what went through his head. But definitely never again am I falling for "let me give you a neck massage." ha. right. We've been down this path, buddy, and no matter what kind of interesting things you can bring to the table, I'm not going to fall for it again.
If this reads like a rambling, venting outpour of nonsense, that's exactly what it is. I knew, I should have paid attention. I let my guard down. Not again.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
past the halfway mark.
Summer is finally a little over half over. I'm counting down the days.
My source of time-referencing is: I can stop cleaning my new ear piercings 3 times a day when I go back to school. ...It's still too far away. (I now have two piercings in each earlobe and one in my cartilage. My dad thinks I'm "creepy." I laughed.)
Anyway I've pretty much been a lazy bum for two days because I didn't have to work. And while I enjoy lounging by the pool (I'm going to have to start doing that more often,) not working means I have downtime to think. And that's not always a good thing.
So maybe it's time for me to work my ass off and start trying to get on a normal sleep schedule, because I'm starting to feel like a lump sleeping past noon every day I can. *shrug* I might start going to this workout thing with my sister. Could be fun.
My source of time-referencing is: I can stop cleaning my new ear piercings 3 times a day when I go back to school. ...It's still too far away. (I now have two piercings in each earlobe and one in my cartilage. My dad thinks I'm "creepy." I laughed.)
Anyway I've pretty much been a lazy bum for two days because I didn't have to work. And while I enjoy lounging by the pool (I'm going to have to start doing that more often,) not working means I have downtime to think. And that's not always a good thing.
So maybe it's time for me to work my ass off and start trying to get on a normal sleep schedule, because I'm starting to feel like a lump sleeping past noon every day I can. *shrug* I might start going to this workout thing with my sister. Could be fun.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Fool for Love.
I'm in relationship limbo, but at least the realm has walls that I can see now.
I finally heard back from Lin, after almost two weeks of not hearing from her. Needless to say I was going a little stir-crazy. She confessed how the last few weeks have been difficult for her because she's having to sort through the realizations and repercussions of everything she did last semester, and that talking to Emily and I has been hard because of it. Which I understand- sometimes working through things take time.
Plus, I'd be lying if I said I didn't do at least one snoopy dance when she said that time with him wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.
I said I was sorry she was going through all of it and that I wish I'd tried to help earlier last semester. But the truth is, she says, you can't rescue someone when the prison is their own body.
It's not easy being in love with a crazy woman.
She keeps telling me she's trying to protect me from the other side of her, from her darkness, and I keep telling her I'm not going anywhere. I guess it's going to take something bad happening and me staying put for her to realize I'm telling the truth.
I've come to realize that it really is true. Yeah, I might get scared, but when I think about her all I can think is that I want to be able to make her happy. To make her feel like she doesn't have to hide, and that people will help her through the bad spots. But she's worried that if we take this any farther and actually make a serious thing out of it that it will ruin our friendship. But I think that the best relationships have to be based on something to begin with. And I'm not sure I could handle being around her any other way, now that I know it's possible. I love all the parts of her, good and bad, and all I can do now is wait for her to tell me how she wants to move forward.
It's waiting, but I've gotten used to it. And I think it's something worth waiting for. There are risks in life that are worth taking, and I've never been more sure about anything. Sometimes that scares me, but I figure it will all work out in the end.
I finally heard back from Lin, after almost two weeks of not hearing from her. Needless to say I was going a little stir-crazy. She confessed how the last few weeks have been difficult for her because she's having to sort through the realizations and repercussions of everything she did last semester, and that talking to Emily and I has been hard because of it. Which I understand- sometimes working through things take time.
Plus, I'd be lying if I said I didn't do at least one snoopy dance when she said that time with him wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.
I said I was sorry she was going through all of it and that I wish I'd tried to help earlier last semester. But the truth is, she says, you can't rescue someone when the prison is their own body.
It's not easy being in love with a crazy woman.
She keeps telling me she's trying to protect me from the other side of her, from her darkness, and I keep telling her I'm not going anywhere. I guess it's going to take something bad happening and me staying put for her to realize I'm telling the truth.
I've come to realize that it really is true. Yeah, I might get scared, but when I think about her all I can think is that I want to be able to make her happy. To make her feel like she doesn't have to hide, and that people will help her through the bad spots. But she's worried that if we take this any farther and actually make a serious thing out of it that it will ruin our friendship. But I think that the best relationships have to be based on something to begin with. And I'm not sure I could handle being around her any other way, now that I know it's possible. I love all the parts of her, good and bad, and all I can do now is wait for her to tell me how she wants to move forward.
It's waiting, but I've gotten used to it. And I think it's something worth waiting for. There are risks in life that are worth taking, and I've never been more sure about anything. Sometimes that scares me, but I figure it will all work out in the end.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I'm worried.
End of story.
And again I find myself dumping on Emily. I feel bad but she gives good advice and always tells me she doesn't mind. And so.
Of course my father is in the room so really, I'm sitting here trying not to cry while I'm having this deep conversation on the computer or whatever, and I really just want to throw something at him.
And then vent some more. Honestly, I don't know why I put myself through these things. And then I think about it again and can't imagine why I wouldn't.
Certifiably crazy? Possibly.
And again I find myself dumping on Emily. I feel bad but she gives good advice and always tells me she doesn't mind. And so.
Of course my father is in the room so really, I'm sitting here trying not to cry while I'm having this deep conversation on the computer or whatever, and I really just want to throw something at him.
And then vent some more. Honestly, I don't know why I put myself through these things. And then I think about it again and can't imagine why I wouldn't.
Certifiably crazy? Possibly.
good news, bad news.
You can't ever seem to have one without the other.
On the good news list we have the fact that I'm now copy-editor of the Features section of the University's newspaper, and I get to get paid for my Nazi-grammarian-ism starting in August. It won't be much but I'll still get paid for writing stories too. Also, I'm probably going to IKEA sometime next week, and that place just makes me 12 kinds of happy. It's like Swedish furniture heaven.
On the bad news list we have the fact that Bath & Body Works is barely scheduling me. I have one shift next week. ONE. I may be taking a random trip to waste some of the downtime. But I'm not sure. I may need to find an additional job for the rest of the summer so I can actually make some money to have after I buy all my furniture.
We'll just have to see what happens. I may go hunt down a resale shop today and try to unload all those old clothes I don't want anymore. I'll take some money from anywhere I can get it, even if it's not much.
On the good news list we have the fact that I'm now copy-editor of the Features section of the University's newspaper, and I get to get paid for my Nazi-grammarian-ism starting in August. It won't be much but I'll still get paid for writing stories too. Also, I'm probably going to IKEA sometime next week, and that place just makes me 12 kinds of happy. It's like Swedish furniture heaven.
On the bad news list we have the fact that Bath & Body Works is barely scheduling me. I have one shift next week. ONE. I may be taking a random trip to waste some of the downtime. But I'm not sure. I may need to find an additional job for the rest of the summer so I can actually make some money to have after I buy all my furniture.
We'll just have to see what happens. I may go hunt down a resale shop today and try to unload all those old clothes I don't want anymore. I'll take some money from anywhere I can get it, even if it's not much.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
party on, brah.
This weekend was fun. Actually the last several days have been pretty good. Minus working on Saturday but hey we can blame the hangover. There weren't even that many people at that party and we drank enough beer to cover a small frat house. And that was just the beer. Anyway, it was pretty damn fun. Made some new friends, etc. Lin called me during the party so I went outside and talked to her, apparently for like 40 minutes (lol). But it was generally just a great night. Add that to me and Nick chilling at his house drinking some beer and jumping in hot tubs in the middle of the night talking about hot guys, and you've got a pretty good week. He's my favorite gay. XD This really long senseless paragraph basically has no point, I just like rambling.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
dreams & sleep, or lack thereof
I find it very strange that the more hours of sleep I get in a night, the stranger my dreams are.
I guess my body is just used to the lack of sleep college schedule and can't cope with rest.
I had this dream last night about these crazy villains who wore these ballin' different colored masquerade-style masks. And a purple cat. Very odd indeed.
In other news, I still can't stop listening to the Repo soundtrack (yesss.), and I'm starting to watch way too much television again (i.e. Law and Order CI or SVU, NCIS, or CSI.) There's nothing else to do during the day, really, except clean, and I hate doing that. Though I'm about to resort to it.
I talked to Lin last night. :) It's ridiculous how happy that makes me.
I guess my body is just used to the lack of sleep college schedule and can't cope with rest.
I had this dream last night about these crazy villains who wore these ballin' different colored masquerade-style masks. And a purple cat. Very odd indeed.
In other news, I still can't stop listening to the Repo soundtrack (yesss.), and I'm starting to watch way too much television again (i.e. Law and Order CI or SVU, NCIS, or CSI.) There's nothing else to do during the day, really, except clean, and I hate doing that. Though I'm about to resort to it.
I talked to Lin last night. :) It's ridiculous how happy that makes me.
Monday, June 1, 2009
So I've changed my mind.
Fuck chronicling. It's done with, it's over. Everything that happened last semester pretty much sucked ass between the months of February and April and if you really need to know what happened basically the girl I love got involved with a guy I was previously involved with and I suffered silently for too long cuz I'm too much of a coward to move forward sometimes. Then in April everything came out and it started getting easier and we started getting together.
We're both still getting a feel for the whole thing, which got tougher once school ended and we both went home.
But really I feel good about it. Like better than about any other relationship I've had, which considering the way this one started, is pretty weird. But I feel like all the crap we've had to endure to be able to get to where we are now will only wind up making us stronger.
We're both still getting a feel for the whole thing, which got tougher once school ended and we both went home.
But really I feel good about it. Like better than about any other relationship I've had, which considering the way this one started, is pretty weird. But I feel like all the crap we've had to endure to be able to get to where we are now will only wind up making us stronger.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Bad movies are awesome.
They really are. I just saw "Drag Me to Hell" with a couple friends, and let's just say it was pretty laughworthy.
Sure, there are times when I jumped in fear, or cringed in disgust (there were just WAY too many bodily fluids in that film. eugh.) but for the most part it was just highly entertaining.
Plus everything that happens in the film is basically inevitable. It kind of reminded me of life. Badly scripted at points, full of nasty shit, and karma karma karma.
What goes around comes around, and people get what they deserve. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow or when you want them to, but they do. I guess I'm just vindictive enough to take solace in that fact, or maybe I just like to think that bad people don't go unpunished, and that seemingly good people are punished for a reason.
I just find it entertaining that a really shitty movie made me think about philosophical stuff. What do you know. *shrug*
On an unrelated note, I really miss Lin. I'm hoping that I get to see her sometime in the relatively near future, but it's hard when there's a couple hundred miles in the middle. I just wish we could all go back to school now. My mother and sister are planning to go to San Antonio sometime soon so I'm hoping I can go along and drive out to see her. Any amount of time helps. :)
Sure, there are times when I jumped in fear, or cringed in disgust (there were just WAY too many bodily fluids in that film. eugh.) but for the most part it was just highly entertaining.
Plus everything that happens in the film is basically inevitable. It kind of reminded me of life. Badly scripted at points, full of nasty shit, and karma karma karma.
What goes around comes around, and people get what they deserve. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow or when you want them to, but they do. I guess I'm just vindictive enough to take solace in that fact, or maybe I just like to think that bad people don't go unpunished, and that seemingly good people are punished for a reason.
I just find it entertaining that a really shitty movie made me think about philosophical stuff. What do you know. *shrug*
On an unrelated note, I really miss Lin. I'm hoping that I get to see her sometime in the relatively near future, but it's hard when there's a couple hundred miles in the middle. I just wish we could all go back to school now. My mother and sister are planning to go to San Antonio sometime soon so I'm hoping I can go along and drive out to see her. Any amount of time helps. :)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
it's about damn time.
At the moment I feel like I should have done this ages ago.
So much has happened this past semester that has changed me, the people I know, everything in my world, and I probably should have written it all down before now. So for awhile, if anyone reads this, I'm probably going to be traipsing down awful memory lane, and ranting. With some personal opinions on life thrown in now and then.
But for today we'll hold off on that.
I just spent a fair amount of time browsing the blog of an ex of mine- a blog I had never seen. Now before you start thinking I'm some kind of verifiable loony, he told me about it a long time ago and requested that I not look at it. I didn't think anything of it. Well I found a link to it on myspace earlier (yep, it IS always myspace's fault.) and decided to take a look.
Basically what I found was every negative thought he ever had about me, mixed in with a bunch of other random stuff.
The funny thing is, I'm not really offended. We were both pretty awful to each other every once in a while, and I probably *could* be described as a "neurotic high-strung whiny little girl". Or at least neurotic and high-strung, I think I've got my whining pretty much under control.
The fact is we probably should have never been together. All it ever did was send us both down an unneeded painful pathway. I shouldn't have dated him a second time, but something in my brain thought I loved him. *shrug*
I'm pretty much done with men for now though. I've got what I assume to be a steady girlfriend, although we haven't exactly discussed what our relationship consists of yet. I'd pretty much go to hell and back for her.
I HAVE gone to hell and back for her.
But you, mysterious, possibly nonexistant reader, will hear about THAT some other time, when I start chronicling Spring semester '09, or the semester from hell.
Hobey ho, let's go. :P
So much has happened this past semester that has changed me, the people I know, everything in my world, and I probably should have written it all down before now. So for awhile, if anyone reads this, I'm probably going to be traipsing down awful memory lane, and ranting. With some personal opinions on life thrown in now and then.
But for today we'll hold off on that.
I just spent a fair amount of time browsing the blog of an ex of mine- a blog I had never seen. Now before you start thinking I'm some kind of verifiable loony, he told me about it a long time ago and requested that I not look at it. I didn't think anything of it. Well I found a link to it on myspace earlier (yep, it IS always myspace's fault.) and decided to take a look.
Basically what I found was every negative thought he ever had about me, mixed in with a bunch of other random stuff.
The funny thing is, I'm not really offended. We were both pretty awful to each other every once in a while, and I probably *could* be described as a "neurotic high-strung whiny little girl". Or at least neurotic and high-strung, I think I've got my whining pretty much under control.
The fact is we probably should have never been together. All it ever did was send us both down an unneeded painful pathway. I shouldn't have dated him a second time, but something in my brain thought I loved him. *shrug*
I'm pretty much done with men for now though. I've got what I assume to be a steady girlfriend, although we haven't exactly discussed what our relationship consists of yet. I'd pretty much go to hell and back for her.
I HAVE gone to hell and back for her.
But you, mysterious, possibly nonexistant reader, will hear about THAT some other time, when I start chronicling Spring semester '09, or the semester from hell.
Hobey ho, let's go. :P
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