At the bottom of everything.

Pretty much where I am right now.

Thought it was last semester. Nope. I was still waiting on the last shoe to drop I guess.

Now I'm not sure when I'll hear from her again. If she needs me to be a friend I am more than willing to do just that, the question is will she let me.

She started all of this and now she regrets it. Well, I do too, then, for ever getting my hopes up. I feel pretty sure I'm gonna feel like shit for the rest of my life, or at least a long ass fucking time.

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like shit. I have class in an hour. And all I want is for her to respond and tell me that we can still be friends.

I'm going to spend the next hour trying to breathe, and hoping that I can get by without the reading since my brain is pretty much shot.

And M, if you're reading this, which you may or may not be, are you happy now? I get to know what it's like. Should be some kind of poetic justice in there for you. Especially since I skipped any part of it that would have been good and went straight to the bitter end.

You may always remember today...

as the day that Amber did not chicken out.

As for tomorrow, who knows what will happen, but I did my best.

:)

I am a motherfucking chickenshit.

countdown commenced.

packing, packing, and more packing.

Pretty much my life right now.

Well that and figuring out how I'm going to fit all of my stuff and furniture for half an apartment (couch included) into three vehicles.

It's mildly entertaining.

Also I've watched like 2 full seasons of Gilmore Girls in the past 5 or so days. And you thought I talked fast *before*.

I love that show. Especially when I get to stare at these guys.




Oh yeah.

the last straw.

That was it. From here on out, the gloves are off, and if he gives me a reason, any reason at all, I'm fucking coming after him.

He's being childish, immature, and just fucking stupid about this whole thing. I'm still trying to figure out how any of this is my fault especially since I was clear about my intentions from the beginning.

I'm hoping this blows over like it did in the past but I if he thinks I'm ever going to trust him again like I used to, he's delusional.

I've got one week until I get to go back to what I consider home. And that just brings a whole bunch of other stuff I have to worry about. I'm worried about what's going to happen with L. I can have my hopes up all I want and be optimistic but until it actually gets down to it I have nothing to go on.

I don't pray a lot anymore but dear God, just get me through this week. Please. I hate the way this town makes me feel.

14 Days.

14 days until I move back to Austin, and back to school, and back to where I actually want to be. It seems like this summer has stretch on forever, and now I'm finally down to the last 2 weeks. I almost don't know what to do with myself.

I definitely don't know what to expect when I return. I know what I'm hoping for, and what I'd like, but only time will be able to tell me what's going to happen.

Regardless of that, I feel like this is going to be a good year. I can't tell you exactly why but I have this obnoxious overwhelming optimistic feeling about it. I'm not exactly used to those feelings but I can't seem to shake this one. I'll just have to wait and see.

And so we go.

baby steps.

Feeling a bit better today. Woke up at 11 for no reason at all and couldn't get back to sleep so that was a bit annoying. But I hung out with Nick this afternoon and we saw Orphan. Just as good the second time around and he thought it was pretty great too.

Tomorrow I've got some things I have to do and hopefully I'll be able to go shopping with Chels and help her find a dress.

I need to start finding reasons to get out of the house since my parents are starting to think I'm depressed or something.

Newsflash, I'm not depressed, I'm just annoyed, and there's no reason for me to be awake so I might as well go to bed. If you wanted to have this intimate rapport with me you should have started trying a decade ago, and then maybe I wouldn't get so frustrated with you now. Also, ask questions about stuff that matter, not just minute things so you feel like you're doing your "duty" or whatever bullshit.

Alas, tomorrow is another day, for better or worse.

fuck this noise.

The other day I realized that I have no straight male friends. Which I guess is okay in the long run since I'm not interesting in dating a straight male. The issue from this realization is this.

I only had like 4 people I really hung out with in this town. One friend is now back in Austin until school starts, one is ALWAYS at work, one (the only straight male friend I had) is now not talking to me because it will "help him get over me."

YEAH RIGHT. It didn't work before, how is being an ass about everything going to help now? I mean seriously what is the point of deleting me from every account you have? It's childish and stupid. Whatever.

My fourth friend, whom I love to death, has been hanging out with said third friend for the past two days. While I sit around my house being driven mad by my family because I have no one else to hang out with.

It's not like he doesn't have any other friends he can hang out with. No, he has to take the one person in this entire fucking town that I actually like and can talk to right now.

You know, don't mind me while I'm going out of my mind and feeling like a piece of shit with nowhere to channel the energy to. You just keep slowly taking every little thing I could actually stand about this town with you.

Thank god I'm not coming back next summer. Fuck this place. Fuck these people and fuck this noise. I'm sick of it.

*pause for laughter*

Working on some stand up. Always kind of wanted to, so we'll see what happens.