Tuesday, June 30, 2009

past the halfway mark.

Summer is finally a little over half over. I'm counting down the days.

My source of time-referencing is: I can stop cleaning my new ear piercings 3 times a day when I go back to school. ...It's still too far away. (I now have two piercings in each earlobe and one in my cartilage. My dad thinks I'm "creepy." I laughed.)

Anyway I've pretty much been a lazy bum for two days because I didn't have to work. And while I enjoy lounging by the pool (I'm going to have to start doing that more often,) not working means I have downtime to think. And that's not always a good thing.

So maybe it's time for me to work my ass off and start trying to get on a normal sleep schedule, because I'm starting to feel like a lump sleeping past noon every day I can. *shrug* I might start going to this workout thing with my sister. Could be fun.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Fool for Love.

I'm in relationship limbo, but at least the realm has walls that I can see now.

I finally heard back from Lin, after almost two weeks of not hearing from her. Needless to say I was going a little stir-crazy. She confessed how the last few weeks have been difficult for her because she's having to sort through the realizations and repercussions of everything she did last semester, and that talking to Emily and I has been hard because of it. Which I understand- sometimes working through things take time.

Plus, I'd be lying if I said I didn't do at least one snoopy dance when she said that time with him wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.

I said I was sorry she was going through all of it and that I wish I'd tried to help earlier last semester. But the truth is, she says, you can't rescue someone when the prison is their own body.

It's not easy being in love with a crazy woman.

She keeps telling me she's trying to protect me from the other side of her, from her darkness, and I keep telling her I'm not going anywhere. I guess it's going to take something bad happening and me staying put for her to realize I'm telling the truth.

I've come to realize that it really is true. Yeah, I might get scared, but when I think about her all I can think is that I want to be able to make her happy. To make her feel like she doesn't have to hide, and that people will help her through the bad spots. But she's worried that if we take this any farther and actually make a serious thing out of it that it will ruin our friendship. But I think that the best relationships have to be based on something to begin with. And I'm not sure I could handle being around her any other way, now that I know it's possible. I love all the parts of her, good and bad, and all I can do now is wait for her to tell me how she wants to move forward.

It's waiting, but I've gotten used to it. And I think it's something worth waiting for. There are risks in life that are worth taking, and I've never been more sure about anything. Sometimes that scares me, but I figure it will all work out in the end.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'm worried.

End of story.

And again I find myself dumping on Emily. I feel bad but she gives good advice and always tells me she doesn't mind. And so.

Of course my father is in the room so really, I'm sitting here trying not to cry while I'm having this deep conversation on the computer or whatever, and I really just want to throw something at him.

And then vent some more. Honestly, I don't know why I put myself through these things. And then I think about it again and can't imagine why I wouldn't.

Certifiably crazy? Possibly.

good news, bad news.

You can't ever seem to have one without the other.

On the good news list we have the fact that I'm now copy-editor of the Features section of the University's newspaper, and I get to get paid for my Nazi-grammarian-ism starting in August. It won't be much but I'll still get paid for writing stories too. Also, I'm probably going to IKEA sometime next week, and that place just makes me 12 kinds of happy. It's like Swedish furniture heaven.

On the bad news list we have the fact that Bath & Body Works is barely scheduling me. I have one shift next week. ONE. I may be taking a random trip to waste some of the downtime. But I'm not sure. I may need to find an additional job for the rest of the summer so I can actually make some money to have after I buy all my furniture.

We'll just have to see what happens. I may go hunt down a resale shop today and try to unload all those old clothes I don't want anymore. I'll take some money from anywhere I can get it, even if it's not much.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

party on, brah.

This weekend was fun. Actually the last several days have been pretty good. Minus working on Saturday but hey we can blame the hangover. There weren't even that many people at that party and we drank enough beer to cover a small frat house. And that was just the beer. Anyway, it was pretty damn fun. Made some new friends, etc. Lin called me during the party so I went outside and talked to her, apparently for like 40 minutes (lol). But it was generally just a great night. Add that to me and Nick chilling at his house drinking some beer and jumping in hot tubs in the middle of the night talking about hot guys, and you've got a pretty good week. He's my favorite gay. XD This really long senseless paragraph basically has no point, I just like rambling.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

dreams & sleep, or lack thereof

I find it very strange that the more hours of sleep I get in a night, the stranger my dreams are.

I guess my body is just used to the lack of sleep college schedule and can't cope with rest.

I had this dream last night about these crazy villains who wore these ballin' different colored masquerade-style masks. And a purple cat. Very odd indeed.

In other news, I still can't stop listening to the Repo soundtrack (yesss.), and I'm starting to watch way too much television again (i.e. Law and Order CI or SVU, NCIS, or CSI.) There's nothing else to do during the day, really, except clean, and I hate doing that. Though I'm about to resort to it.

I talked to Lin last night. :) It's ridiculous how happy that makes me.

Monday, June 1, 2009

So I've changed my mind.

Fuck chronicling. It's done with, it's over. Everything that happened last semester pretty much sucked ass between the months of February and April and if you really need to know what happened basically the girl I love got involved with a guy I was previously involved with and I suffered silently for too long cuz I'm too much of a coward to move forward sometimes. Then in April everything came out and it started getting easier and we started getting together.

We're both still getting a feel for the whole thing, which got tougher once school ended and we both went home.

But really I feel good about it. Like better than about any other relationship I've had, which considering the way this one started, is pretty weird. But I feel like all the crap we've had to endure to be able to get to where we are now will only wind up making us stronger.