Friday, April 16, 2010

Word vomit.

This has been a freaking weird semester.

1) Nothing horrible really happened. Which is good.
2) My roommate turned into a psychotic raving bitch. Which is not so good.
3) I stopped caring about that, which is good.
4) The main source of my frustration/affection in the past year decided she's transferring out of state. Which I can't decide how I feel about that.

In January, I guess, I realized that all the shit I've been overthinking, and blaming myself for, is really pointless. And, while this realization is helpful, doesn't stop me from ever overthinking/ analyzing. It took about a month and a half for it to sink in that, once this semester is over, I honestly don't know the next time I'll see her in person.

And it's starting to grate on me. The not knowing. I'd like to be able to think that I've completely moved on and that I can be entirely happy for her because she's found what she wants to study. And I'm like 85-90% there. That last 10-15% is a bitch. For real.

Also, I've been painfully aware of my own failings the past few weeks for some reason. I've always acknowledged them, but lately whenever I talk I'm like "good god self, shut up every once in a while." So I apologize for rambling, to which I get "Don't worry, we're used to it."

Like that's supposed to make me feel better, or something. I don't want to be the kind of person that you have to get "used to." Like, getting "used to" me is some kind of trial or something. Idk. I'm being moody and bitchy cuz I can't figure out what I want from life. And I acknowledge that.

I just wish that did me any good :P

On the plus side, only like 3 more weeks of school, and I get to move out of this insane living situation to go do nothing all summer. Bitchin'.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Isn't it weird...

...when something you've been thinking about shows up in a book? Almost verbatim for your thoughts?

I finished a book today called "God Hates Us All." At the very end of the novel, Daphne, says the following:

"You know why love stories have happy endings? Because they end too early. They always end right at the kiss. You never have to see all the bullshit that comes later. You know, life."

I don't think I've ever heard it said any plainer. And that's why I like reading f'ed up books about people and their lives. Because even though they're fiction, they always hold a disturbing amount of truth.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Check it out.

Off the Bandwagon.

Good week so far- registered for classes, and RenFest this weekend. We'll see what happens ;D

Monday, October 19, 2009

moving onward.

So I had kind of a surreal weekend after a particularly horrible week.

It was pointed out to me that lately I've been letting everything get me down, and really just getting myself into a horrible funk. And I knew it, I just didn't know what to do about it. The reality slap helped, first off and then this weekend finished the job.

I got off campus, went home, had some adventures, made some spontaneous choices, and all of it ended with me realizing:

What's the point in living life if we're too caught up in the bad things, or how things could be better, and we don't see the good things that are happening? We should enjoy the fun things, the silly things, the epically random things, while we can.

I can't control everything. As much as I'd like to. And, even if I could, who says that what I choose for the situation would be right? I'm not deluded anymore. There are no perfect fairytale endings.

But you can have some fun beginnings and middles, so enjoy them while they last, and look forward to every new experience.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Standing on the ledge of consciousness
in the space between the dreams,
I saw the figure of a man
whose eyes were like the beams
of headlights shining in the rain.
He smiled at me, a melancholy grin,
as though he knew my thoughts and dreams
and how they wore me thin.
“What do you want?”
was my plaintive cry
but still he would not speak.
“Can I change nothing that I’ve done?”
He replied, “Regret will make you weak.”
Tears slipped then from my eyes, turning to diamonds
as they fell, “It’s just so hard to keep up the lie.”
He sighed and softly caressed my cheek,
“For those we love we must sometimes die.
Not everything is simple,
as you humans would believe.
Sometimes your dreams must take a hit-
it’s worth it, for some, to grieve.”
He raised my chin and looked at me,
used his sleeve to dry my tears.
“Don’t fret, little dreamer, the pain accompanies a gift-
to love someone with all your heart as I’ve loved you for years.”
He bent to kiss me upon the head;
I blinked once, and was alone,
with just his words to comfort me-
and the memory of how his eyes shone.
I awoke in early morning,
and somehow I just knew:
The bad times I’d endure
could never taint my love for you.

I guess you could say, "This is your brain on Gaiman." Too much thinking, too much Neil Gaiman, and not enough sleep before Bio class. :P

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Pay it Forward.

Today I went out with a couple of friends, and my car was towed. We were downtown, with no way of getting anywhere, and no money.

was freaking out when a man walked up to the three of us and asked what happened. My friend Josh told him my car was towed, and he asked me how much it cost to retrieve it. I told him.
He asked Josh to come with him, and said he'd be back in a minute.

I had meanwhile progressed to the crying stage of shock when you come back to the parking lot and your car is gone, and was trying not to hyperventilate while Lin tried to calm me down.

Josh came back with the man, who handed me a wad of twenties.

"Get your car back, it'll be okay," he said. "My name is Mitch Sweeney- you guys have a good night."

And then he walked off.

I managed to choke out a "Thank you so much" as he was leaving. I counted the twenties. He'd given me $200. I looked up at Josh. "Why did he give me this?"

"I don't know. He wanted to help you. He just walked up to the ATM and withdrew $200," Josh said. "Whatever that guy does for a living- I want to do it."

We called a friend of mine to pick us up and take us to the towing lot. I got my car back.

I won't ever see Mitch Sweeney again, and he never even asked my name. I have no way of paying him back except to someday find a stranger I can do a lifesaving favor for. But his random act of kindness will not be forgotten.

Faith in humanity? Yeah. I've got some.

Friday, October 9, 2009


I don't know if I can do this.

I have to do this.

I don't know how I got saddled with the responsibility of being stronger than about 5 other people, but here I am.

Holding up the world I dream of- from the outside.

You need me to be there, and I will. Because I don't know how to do anything else. Leaving you alone would hurt me more than the pain it causes me to be your best friend.

If the forecast calls for change, you let me know. I can fake a smile through the snow.