Word vomit.

This has been a freaking weird semester.

1) Nothing horrible really happened. Which is good.
2) My roommate turned into a psychotic raving bitch. Which is not so good.
3) I stopped caring about that, which is good.
4) The main source of my frustration/affection in the past year decided she's transferring out of state. Which I can't decide how I feel about that.

In January, I guess, I realized that all the shit I've been overthinking, and blaming myself for, is really pointless. And, while this realization is helpful, doesn't stop me from ever overthinking/ analyzing. It took about a month and a half for it to sink in that, once this semester is over, I honestly don't know the next time I'll see her in person.

And it's starting to grate on me. The not knowing. I'd like to be able to think that I've completely moved on and that I can be entirely happy for her because she's found what she wants to study. And I'm like 85-90% there. That last 10-15% is a bitch. For real.

Also, I've been painfully aware of my own failings the past few weeks for some reason. I've always acknowledged them, but lately whenever I talk I'm like "good god self, shut up every once in a while." So I apologize for rambling, to which I get "Don't worry, we're used to it."

Like that's supposed to make me feel better, or something. I don't want to be the kind of person that you have to get "used to." Like, getting "used to" me is some kind of trial or something. Idk. I'm being moody and bitchy cuz I can't figure out what I want from life. And I acknowledge that.

I just wish that did me any good :P

On the plus side, only like 3 more weeks of school, and I get to move out of this insane living situation to go do nothing all summer. Bitchin'.

Isn't it weird...

...when something you've been thinking about shows up in a book? Almost verbatim for your thoughts?

I finished a book today called "God Hates Us All." At the very end of the novel, Daphne, says the following:

"You know why love stories have happy endings? Because they end too early. They always end right at the kiss. You never have to see all the bullshit that comes later. You know, life."

I don't think I've ever heard it said any plainer. And that's why I like reading f'ed up books about people and their lives. Because even though they're fiction, they always hold a disturbing amount of truth.

Check it out.

Off the Bandwagon.

Good week so far- registered for classes, and RenFest this weekend. We'll see what happens ;D

moving onward.

So I had kind of a surreal weekend after a particularly horrible week.

It was pointed out to me that lately I've been letting everything get me down, and really just getting myself into a horrible funk. And I knew it, I just didn't know what to do about it. The reality slap helped, first off and then this weekend finished the job.

I got off campus, went home, had some adventures, made some spontaneous choices, and all of it ended with me realizing:

What's the point in living life if we're too caught up in the bad things, or how things could be better, and we don't see the good things that are happening? We should enjoy the fun things, the silly things, the epically random things, while we can.

I can't control everything. As much as I'd like to. And, even if I could, who says that what I choose for the situation would be right? I'm not deluded anymore. There are no perfect fairytale endings.

But you can have some fun beginnings and middles, so enjoy them while they last, and look forward to every new experience.

Sandman.

Standing on the ledge of consciousness
in the space between the dreams,
I saw the figure of a man
whose eyes were like the beams
of headlights shining in the rain.
He smiled at me, a melancholy grin,
as though he knew my thoughts and dreams
and how they wore me thin.
“What do you want?”
was my plaintive cry
but still he would not speak.
“Can I change nothing that I’ve done?”
He replied, “Regret will make you weak.”
Tears slipped then from my eyes, turning to diamonds
as they fell, “It’s just so hard to keep up the lie.”
He sighed and softly caressed my cheek,
“For those we love we must sometimes die.
Not everything is simple,
as you humans would believe.
Sometimes your dreams must take a hit-
it’s worth it, for some, to grieve.”
He raised my chin and looked at me,
used his sleeve to dry my tears.
“Don’t fret, little dreamer, the pain accompanies a gift-
to love someone with all your heart as I’ve loved you for years.”
He bent to kiss me upon the head;
I blinked once, and was alone,
with just his words to comfort me-
and the memory of how his eyes shone.
I awoke in early morning,
and somehow I just knew:
The bad times I’d endure
could never taint my love for you.



I guess you could say, "This is your brain on Gaiman." Too much thinking, too much Neil Gaiman, and not enough sleep before Bio class. :P

Pay it Forward.

Today I went out with a couple of friends, and my car was towed. We were downtown, with no way of getting anywhere, and no money.

I was freaking out when a man walked up to the three of us and asked what happened. My friend Josh told him my car was towed, and he asked me how much it cost to retrieve it. I told him. He asked Josh to come with him, and said he'd be back in a minute.

I had meanwhile progressed to the crying stage of shock when you come back to the parking lot and your car is gone, and was trying not to hyperventilate while Lin tried to calm me down.

Josh came back with the man, who handed me a wad of twenties.

"Get your car back, it'll be okay," he said. "My name is Mitch Sweeney- you guys have a good night."

And then he walked off.

I managed to choke out a "Thank you so much" as he was leaving. I counted the twenties. He'd given me $200. I looked up at Josh. "Why did he give me this?"

"I don't know. He wanted to help you. He just walked up to the ATM and withdrew $200," Josh said. "Whatever that guy does for a living- I want to do it."

We called a friend of mine to pick us up and take us to the towing lot. I got my car back.

I won't ever see Mitch Sweeney again, and he never even asked my name. I have no way of paying him back except to someday find a stranger I can do a lifesaving favor for. But his random act of kindness will not be forgotten.

Faith in humanity? Yeah. I've got some.

motherfucker.

I don't know if I can do this.

I have to do this.

I don't know how I got saddled with the responsibility of being stronger than about 5 other people, but here I am.

Holding up the world I dream of- from the outside.

You need me to be there, and I will. Because I don't know how to do anything else. Leaving you alone would hurt me more than the pain it causes me to be your best friend.

If the forecast calls for change, you let me know. I can fake a smile through the snow.

i <3 my friends.

Andrew: I also love sour blow pops.

Amber: LOL YOU WOULD

Andrew: you're being perverted, aren't you?

Amber:..indeed. quite.

"honey.....ya cock is greeeen....."

Andrew: CAN I SMELL YOUR DIIICK!

Amber: lolol

talk about your sour apples

Andrew: o my god.

you just went there.

Amber: we have gone....

too far.

........

......nah.

Jennifer's Body.

Now there's a movie that knows exactly what it is, and doesn't hold back.

Famous last words: "My tit."

And now I'm off to bed, where hopefully I won't have nightmares about Megan Fox's scary-ass face. O.o

headaches, redux.

Stupid headaches. I'm having sophomore year flashbacks. Gotta find me a good doctor, and some good pain meds. Rawr.

Been writing a TON for HTV, just finished up an article about the new Religious Studies course on HARRY POTTER. Yeah I wanna take that. :D

labor day weekend.

The Weekend ended up being pretty damn interesting. And yes I capitalized that on purpose.

Emily came to visit and stayed with me, which was fun and awesome. Josh also came, which was more interesting, since I seem to have many mind hangups about a lot of people these days, and I spent most of my time wondering how he could be so nice to me and still make me want to punch him in the face.

Oh right- because I have serious mental issues and always have to find a scapegoat for my problems. That clears that right up.

We all watched a lot of Buffy and drove around a lot and I spent too much money again. But I HAD to have that vest.

We spent half of today trying to get Josh's car to work so he could get back to K-Ville. That was certainly interesting. Now the two of them are saying their goodbyes and I'm doing homework hoping that my continual use of charm will eventually persuade a certain girl to change her mind and decide that some things are worth a little work after all.

All I can do is soldier forth.

One step at a time.

One foot then the other.

My mindset right now is to try not to think too far into the future with regard to anything except schoolwork.

Part of me still thinks that eventually things could work out. There are signs, and sometimes timing is everything.

Not in nearly as much of a rut as yesterday, thankfully.

3 classes tomorrow and an article I have to finish. Probably some errand running with the object of my confusion. Like I said, I'm pretty much getting used to it. Pretty sure I can handle it. Looking forward to next year as a reprieve from this one.

I've had "The Way We Get By" by Spoon stuck in my head ALL DAY. Weird.

At the bottom of everything.

Pretty much where I am right now.

Thought it was last semester. Nope. I was still waiting on the last shoe to drop I guess.

Now I'm not sure when I'll hear from her again. If she needs me to be a friend I am more than willing to do just that, the question is will she let me.

She started all of this and now she regrets it. Well, I do too, then, for ever getting my hopes up. I feel pretty sure I'm gonna feel like shit for the rest of my life, or at least a long ass fucking time.

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like shit. I have class in an hour. And all I want is for her to respond and tell me that we can still be friends.

I'm going to spend the next hour trying to breathe, and hoping that I can get by without the reading since my brain is pretty much shot.

And M, if you're reading this, which you may or may not be, are you happy now? I get to know what it's like. Should be some kind of poetic justice in there for you. Especially since I skipped any part of it that would have been good and went straight to the bitter end.

You may always remember today...

as the day that Amber did not chicken out.

As for tomorrow, who knows what will happen, but I did my best.

:)

I am a motherfucking chickenshit.

countdown commenced.

packing, packing, and more packing.

Pretty much my life right now.

Well that and figuring out how I'm going to fit all of my stuff and furniture for half an apartment (couch included) into three vehicles.

It's mildly entertaining.

Also I've watched like 2 full seasons of Gilmore Girls in the past 5 or so days. And you thought I talked fast *before*.

I love that show. Especially when I get to stare at these guys.




Oh yeah.

the last straw.

That was it. From here on out, the gloves are off, and if he gives me a reason, any reason at all, I'm fucking coming after him.

He's being childish, immature, and just fucking stupid about this whole thing. I'm still trying to figure out how any of this is my fault especially since I was clear about my intentions from the beginning.

I'm hoping this blows over like it did in the past but I if he thinks I'm ever going to trust him again like I used to, he's delusional.

I've got one week until I get to go back to what I consider home. And that just brings a whole bunch of other stuff I have to worry about. I'm worried about what's going to happen with L. I can have my hopes up all I want and be optimistic but until it actually gets down to it I have nothing to go on.

I don't pray a lot anymore but dear God, just get me through this week. Please. I hate the way this town makes me feel.

14 Days.

14 days until I move back to Austin, and back to school, and back to where I actually want to be. It seems like this summer has stretch on forever, and now I'm finally down to the last 2 weeks. I almost don't know what to do with myself.

I definitely don't know what to expect when I return. I know what I'm hoping for, and what I'd like, but only time will be able to tell me what's going to happen.

Regardless of that, I feel like this is going to be a good year. I can't tell you exactly why but I have this obnoxious overwhelming optimistic feeling about it. I'm not exactly used to those feelings but I can't seem to shake this one. I'll just have to wait and see.

And so we go.

baby steps.

Feeling a bit better today. Woke up at 11 for no reason at all and couldn't get back to sleep so that was a bit annoying. But I hung out with Nick this afternoon and we saw Orphan. Just as good the second time around and he thought it was pretty great too.

Tomorrow I've got some things I have to do and hopefully I'll be able to go shopping with Chels and help her find a dress.

I need to start finding reasons to get out of the house since my parents are starting to think I'm depressed or something.

Newsflash, I'm not depressed, I'm just annoyed, and there's no reason for me to be awake so I might as well go to bed. If you wanted to have this intimate rapport with me you should have started trying a decade ago, and then maybe I wouldn't get so frustrated with you now. Also, ask questions about stuff that matter, not just minute things so you feel like you're doing your "duty" or whatever bullshit.

Alas, tomorrow is another day, for better or worse.

fuck this noise.

The other day I realized that I have no straight male friends. Which I guess is okay in the long run since I'm not interesting in dating a straight male. The issue from this realization is this.

I only had like 4 people I really hung out with in this town. One friend is now back in Austin until school starts, one is ALWAYS at work, one (the only straight male friend I had) is now not talking to me because it will "help him get over me."

YEAH RIGHT. It didn't work before, how is being an ass about everything going to help now? I mean seriously what is the point of deleting me from every account you have? It's childish and stupid. Whatever.

My fourth friend, whom I love to death, has been hanging out with said third friend for the past two days. While I sit around my house being driven mad by my family because I have no one else to hang out with.

It's not like he doesn't have any other friends he can hang out with. No, he has to take the one person in this entire fucking town that I actually like and can talk to right now.

You know, don't mind me while I'm going out of my mind and feeling like a piece of shit with nowhere to channel the energy to. You just keep slowly taking every little thing I could actually stand about this town with you.

Thank god I'm not coming back next summer. Fuck this place. Fuck these people and fuck this noise. I'm sick of it.